it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
