hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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