No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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