Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
