census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
