If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
