So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
