i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
