My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
