My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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