Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
