The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
what day is it and did you see me today?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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