i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
