apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
