1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
