I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
