On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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