my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said