do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
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oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
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that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.