The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
