Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
