Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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