May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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