Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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