I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
