I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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