I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
