In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
