He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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