Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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