3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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