someone threw a dead crab at me
high people should be assigned attendants
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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