gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
