So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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