So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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