Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what day is it and did you see me today?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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