How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
