It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
