No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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