i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
