Pants 0. Shit 1.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
