i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
