My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
