He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
