I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
