Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
