im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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