The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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