your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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