it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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