PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
