I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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