I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
