i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
