The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My vagina just recognized that song.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
